Tsunacon on Valentine's Day 14-02-2016

Hello people!

It's been a while, so sorry! Lately I haven't feel like blogging at all *stares at unprofessional looking blog*, I hate the layout of my blog xD. I should go google how to make this blog look more professional cuz it's damn depressing man D:

But ahh well, that's not what I wanna blog about cuties <3.

This is the first blog in a while again, about cosplay!

I went to a Dutch cosplay convention called Tsunacon. Surprisingly it was on Valentine's Day but happily I haven't seen much of that day coming back on the convention itself XDD.

I planned to go as Luka Megurine in her school uniform because the costume I planned to wear on Abunaicon, didn't fit that perfectly Dx. I was hesitating so much, took it on and thought ahhhh fuck it, the costume looks tight on me but whatever, I just want to wear it no matter what :3. So I wore the Project diva F second temptation version ^^.

I haven't made that much pictures but that's ok I guess. I don't think many people don't take much pics of convention when they're having fun ^^, then they forget about taking much pictures as possible hahah :3.

Buuuuut, lets make a convention report now <333.

~ Morning ~

I stood up pretty early like 06.30 am but I know I'm slow when it comes getting up out my bed, I always keep laying for another halfhour lmao xD. I went to eat breakfast first and watch tv because I always brush my teeth after I've eaten something in the morning because I hate the taste of toothpaste when you first eat a thing </3. Also, I needed to put my make-up on so first food, then brushing teeth & washing face, then putting make-up on ^^.

Doing my make-up lasts pretty long, especially when I need to put false lashes on (lowerlashes too). I always tend to take time for my make-up because I hate it to rush it and stress about it. I want to put my make-up on in calmness xD.

You know what surprisingly takes the longest when doing my make-up? MY FUCKING EYEBROWS XDDD.

My eyebrows always have to be on fleek <3. I always get frustrated when they're not equally to eachother. When doing my daily make-up, I almost never leave the door without having my eyebrows drawn in a little xD ^^''''''.

Because of taking the time for my make-up, I had to take 2 trains later lmao, I didn't really care because when I arrived at the location, I didn't have to stand in the row for scanning your ticket <3.

Here's what my make-up looked like. I wanted to keep it natural but I failed, I always do my make-up bold. I also never can draw a thin line of eyeliner on the upperlid of my eye XDD.

Nothing edited cuz I'm too lazy sorrrrry </3.

I never work with pink eyeshadow so it was really fun to do that <3. My wig was being an ass though, really disliked the way how I styled the bangs, but I'm no pro either lmao xD.

So I had to travel for like almost 1.45 mins and then take a tram to the location. I seriously stood more than a halfhour in the cold, waiting for the tram because I missed 2 trams because of being confused as fuck which direction I had to take xD. And I saw almost no cosplayers so I was kinda stressing.

After finally taking the right tram, I arrived at the location. It was a fucking hell where to find the place to check in your ticket (forreal, have been searching for 10 mins =___= not fun).

After checking in my ticket,

 I first went to the bathroom to get changed since I was wearing clothes over my costume (I'm not that crazy to walk around outside in a short pants and no jacket lmao xD).

Then drama started, I lost my OV-chipcard (a Dutch travelcard where you can travel around with bus/tram/subway or train everywhere when you put money on it). More more more stress, but thought, fuck it, I'm not gonna let my day ruin by that Dx. 

So I went to search for mellie, my best friend <3. We went to the cosplay fashion show together with a friend of hers :). 

It surprised me that there weren't as many participants as expected. 

When the cosplay fashion show was over, we went to the service desk for my ov-chipcard. LUCKILY, they found it *o*. It got lost somewhere in the building of Tsunacon and luckily not outside by the tramstop.

Being very happy, me and mel went to the dealerroom where I always look around excited because of the many cute stuff nnnngh *-*. I didn't buy much, just some food, ramune and an EGG magazine ^=^. I kept on hesitating about buying a plushie but they happen to be always so expensive :((((. 15 euro for a small plushie mwhehh...

So I didn't do that ^^.

I was sooooooo happy to see many Life Is Strange cosplayers around and I really was glad to see these two cosplaying them. I think they did a fucking great job <3. I really want to cosplay Chloe someday too ^___^. I really like the way she dresses and being so damn cool. I wanna be like her and give no fuck about what other people think of me c:

Keep on the good work ladies! <3

Then me and mel found maayke & dave in the dealerroom. Was so happy to see them because haven't seen much of my friends that day xD. So of course take a selfie fast before we lost sight of them again D:

Selfieeeees!

After that, we went walking around a little, meet friends, take pictures and have fun together :). 

I found it really nice that there were younger children also with their parents. I wish I knew of cosplay conventions earlier, so I could go with my mom. But I always thought it was awkward to take your parents along to such events, but I was wrong ^^. It really made me happy that whole families go to such events <3.

Outside the dealerroom, I saw this amazing Miku cosplay, version Senbonzakura. I really loved her costume, so I had to take a picture of it!

After the dealerroom, me and mel went to search for manuel, a friend of mel :). He was together with Gio (a really kind photographer) at the We Love Japan stable, a convention taken place the day before Tsunacon. We kept there talking for a bit before hanging around everywhere and nowhere.

Me came with the idea of going to Nozlan for a photoshoot because I really like it to be photographed, though I always kind of shut down when someone takes a photograph of me. Then I cannot smile naturally or relaxed xD. I fucking hate it when that happens Dx

I just thought, fuck it, I'm just going and we'll see, try to stay relaxed!

Well,

I didn't regret it because the pictures came out so nicely <333333. I really like them even though the photoshoot lasted longer than normal and now you can let your pics be printed for a reasonable price! Of course I had my pics to be printed and mel too :3.

So,

Here they are!!

I think it kinda helped that the photographer was a woman ^^''. I'm not afraid of men or what XDDD. But I always kinda feel a little awkward being shooted by a man? D: I don't know.

This are the pictures Nozlan put on their website but many more were shooted. Here are the pictures I took of pictures (xD) being printed!

I surprisingly didn't feel cold for a fucking moment!!! Normally I'm a person who always get cold toes or hands but this time not hahah.

After that,

mel had to go home early </3. I stayed behind and went on walking around a bit and then I saw dave again! We promised to stay together and travel back to the train station together too ^^. We also left not much later too.

Talking with dave on the tram was really nice! I had a good time with him and we even talked before we both had to catch our train. Definitely a nice ending of the evening because I normally never have that kind of deep conversations with other people in person hahah xD.

Selfies with dave!

I bought myself dinner, just some fries from Smullers *-*. I love Smullers so much nngh <3.

So went back travelling to home (:

I first was like nahh..... dunn wanna go but once I was there, I quickly changed my mind. It was really nice and was happy to see some of my friends again. For the upcoming events, I wanna go to Elf Fantasty Fair Haarzuilens & Abunaicon. Not sure of I'll go to the some smaller conventions too, we'll see!

Thanks for reading <3. Hope you have a nice day (:

Here some random selfies with mellie <3.

Byebyeeee!

Being connected to the CI processor since 01-05-2015 & Explanation

Hii everyone!

I'm now connected to the CI processor since Friday last week. It's really nice that you guys are all happy for me and wishing I can hear now better & get to hear the birds whistling again & such.


I'm glad that you guys want the best for me and expect me to hear things now again I couldn't hear before the operation.



But unfortunately it does NOT work like that, I'm sorry to say this, but it simply doesn't go that fast.



Let's say, a person who isn't able to walk for years, now is able to learn to walk again, will not walk over mileeeeeees on the first day again, he will maybe only be able to take two steps on the first day. So no, it does not work like that. It is a learning process, just like me.



I am born with hearing disabilities. Since age of 9 my hearing became very bad but before age of 9, I was deaf on high tones for about 65%. This went rapidly to less hearing after age of 9 as the years passed till 96% deaf on high tones.




I am 20 now, I was about 94% deaf on high tones on my 16th, before the operation I was 96% deaf on high tones.




I already walk around with this huge loss for many years and won't go immediately hear high tones again. I can't recognize sounds yet and I still can not understand/hear with the CI yet. My brains have to work hard now to be able to recognize those high tones I haven't heard for my whole life, but I just cannot simply recognize them without the help of someone else because I don't ''know'' the sounds.


At the moment, I hear more with my right ear without hearing aids then with my left ear with CI connected, that already says much.



Please keep in mind, not every deaf person has the same loss, not every hearing impaired person has the same loss, every person is different, don't put us all in the same booth because we're all different. That for example your grandma has a hearing aid and I too, does not mean we hear the same, of course.



Lets say, we have suddenly deaf people who have been hearing very well their whole life, then suddenly became deaf (we call that plotsdoven here in the netherlands, not sure what is the right word for that in english) then have been deaf for like a year, then get connected to the CI,


those people will learn to hear sounds faster, pick them up way faster than a person born hearing impaired their whole life. It's impossible for the brains to learn that fast.


And this is why the recovery lasts a half year till a year. I simply cannot hear and recognize sounds, pick them up within a day. It's a learning process, it's different for everyone. Some people learn it faster than others, others are being slow with it and this simply has nothing to do with that they're being lazy, it has to do with because they have been deaf for so long on some tones.



I hope I explained enough, you can always ask me more things to understand it better than to assume I can now hear everything again, no I can't.




I have to go to a speech therapist like almost every week for that and have to practice also on learning not to automatically read lips when someone speaks. But all this, will come later as it's yet still too early to do that, I don't hear proper yet with the CI.




Yes, it's complicated, that's me, that's my hearing disability, it IS complicated and a thing no one ever can completely understand than only me myself.



I cannot really explain to you guys what I hear at the moment, but it are really high beeps, all the time. When I listen to music, I sometimes notice that some high beeps go along with beat of the music, but it are still high beeps. I still do have tinnitus too.



I'm doing fine at the moment, taking it easy and I wear my CI with proud now. I'm satisfied with it and just living from day to day, looking forward to upcoming events & things I've planned.



Hope you all are informed better now, questions always can be asked of course.



xxx


Yuu San.

C.I. Journey Erasmus Hospital Rotterdam, the operation, the recovery & future plans!

((Warning, this is a pretty pretty preeeetty long blogpost!!!))

Hii everyone!



Long time no see!


I reaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaally last time, didn't feel like writing a new blogpost about my C.I. journey, about how the operation went. I just simply didn't feel like it, still don't but I can not longer delay it and I guess a lot of people are curious to how everything went.


At the moment, I'm doing fine! I recovered fully and except that I hear less with my left ear now, I feel great and I'm looking forwards to the future plans I made :). I unfortunately am not possible to work at the moment until I get connected to the C.I. processor but then again, I am not able to work because I have to learn to hear/speak/understand again as the C.I. will hopefully do the job of the high tones which I don't hear. As I'll only get one C.I., the C.I. will do the work only for my left ear and further I will keep wearing my hearing aid when it comes to my right ear. My right ear will be still the same, 96% deaf on the high tones, my left ear was the same before the C.I. Implant but hopefully I'll hear better later with my left ear,

a wholeee explanation, I know, but some people still don't get it.


So,


I'll start writing about how the operation went from the beginning.



First,


A video I made the day before me and my mom went to the hotel in Rotterdam. I was unable to upload it here through my phone.

As you can hear, I can't pronounce most english words very well, this is very difficult for me, so please don't laugh at me because of that, I just simply cannot do a thing about it. I had lessons in english speaking because of my hearing disability and this is mostly my reason why I never like speaking english. When I have the words in my head which I want to say, I speak english perfectly, but when I have to speak english forced to someone, or answer them back, english speaking is my weakest point.

Sorry, had to cut the video in two, blogger doesn't allow more than 100mb :(.

~

Me and mum on the evening before the operation, watching tv in our hotelroom.

My operation was planned on 12th of  March, on a Thursday, but me and my mom came earlier to Rotterdam and booked a hotelroom for the night as that was less stressful for us because else we had to stand up early in the morning, take the train and that would be more stressful. So, the next day we woke up, we waited for my brother and his fiancé wesley, to come pick us up and go to the hospital together. When we came there, and we got lead towards my room, it came till my realization that I really was about to be operated on, a hour later.

I started crying when I saw the white room, my bed and I couldn't stop crying even when the nurse came in the room. Luckily my brother was there to comfort me, even though he made silly jokes (not funny lol.) I got bothered again by my stress stains I always get when I really have to cry, get really angry or nervous, caused by my blood pressure to suddenly shoot upwards, letting those red incredible stains in my neck, face & chest showing. Wish I could put a properphoto of it here, but I removed them, hopefully these pics will do

Here you can see a few of my stress stains, alcohol strengthens the effect by the way too. I have it when I eat sometimes, drink, talk to strangers, being emotional, angry or very nervous. In this moment, singing along made me nervous and the stress stains popped up. Those stains can be a loooooot worse!

Because I have a thick layer of foundation on and CC cream, you don't see it that good on my face, but it's bullshit to smear a ton of foundation on my chest/neck too because of those stains. 

Anyway, this is not what I wanted to write about.

I was covered in those red stains all over my face/neck/chest and even my eyes were so red from crying, I felt so ashamed the nurse had to see me like that, covered with those weird red stains.

Luckily it went away after a while.

nurse, my brother & his fiancé

hospital bracelet

me and my mum, I WASN'T ALLOWED TO WEAR MAKE-UP DAMNIT Dx. 

Can you read the uneasiness on my face? yep...

Me and my brother, no we're not twins, he's 3 years older than me haha.

And wesley.

I started taking these photo's when I got calming medication lol, felt like hanging out the joker in the room.

~

1 pm,

It was time to get the hospital dress on because they planned on bringing me to the operation room 1 pm. They gave me calming medication which would make me more sleepy, but I only started to feel funny and see double, it kept me awake lol.

So, we went to the room where I had to wait first with my mom before going into the operation room. Luckily my mom was allowed to go with me, I was kinda nervous and afraid.

About...... like 40 mins later, they finally took me to the operation room. It was cold in there and that was the first thing I said when I came there lol. They told me what they were gonna do and my mother stayed with me until I was asleep. of course I had to cry again xD until I felt asleep.

~

I can't remember anymore but I believe it was 5 pm when I woke up. I can't remember they woke me up in the resting room and brought me back to my room. I can only remember that when I woke up in my room, that I saw my mum, brother, his fiancé and my auntie Shita. I felt quite dull of the medication but still was able to talk a bit with them and make pictures before I (can't remember?) fell back asleep.

mum, auntie and wesley.

Mum, auntie and my brother

in the evening, I went to read a little in the Ageha gyaru magazine Lenie my bff bought for me the time she was in Japan. But I couldn't read it for long because I started to feel very sick and had to throw up.

I wasn't able to eat the first day, I felt so dull, so sick and when I stared at my custard, it disgusted me, looking at it already made me almost throw up.

Everyone went home, except my auntie, she stayed over by someone else in Rotterdam to come pick me and my mum up the next day together with her husband, uncle Ludwig <3.

My mum went home around 9 pm. I had to go to the bathroom after that so I told the nurse (other nurse, damn he was hot, around my age & asian, a huge + ! <'3). He wanted to help me go out of the bed, but the first thing I did, grabbing the spittoon & throw up XDD. He immediately went out of the room & went to get the other nurse (lol i told my mum this later, it was so funny XD. I think the poor guy still wasn't used to throwing up people in the hospital hahaha). I couldn't do a thing about it ;=;. 

Later in the bathroom, I threw up blood, this was such a scary thing, I never threw up blood before. but later I heard that your stomach cannot endure blood in the stomach and that causes you to throw up, my throat was damaged because of the breathing tube in my throat, that's why.

I wasn't in a lot of pain, but I felt alot of pressure on my head and I got bothered by tinnitus which was never that worse as after the C.I. operation. 

~

Next day,

I threw up again in the morning when I ate some custard, I felt so sick, so miserable, some nurse gave me bouillion with bread and luckily I didn't had to throw up anymore. 

The weird part is,

after such a heavy operation,

they send you home the day after. You don't have to throw up anymore? Good, you can go home!

I felt so worse, I couldn't do the things I normally did, my mom had to push me in a wheelchair towards the entrance of the hospital. When my auntie arrived with my uncle at the parking spot, I started feeling very sick again and I told my mum I really had to go to the bathroom.

When we got there, I don't know but I started to feel so very warm and miserable, I threw up blood again and not so little. My mum and I became afraid when I got a bloody nose, I never in my life had a bloody nose, yes, maybe once when I was a kid. When I felt a little better, she brought me to the car and started calling to the department, but we could just leave.

The days after that, I luckily didn't had to throw up anymore.

~

~

At home, I felt miserable for the first three days, my mum had to help me to go to the bathroom, I was being bored a lot because I couldn't do a lot and I couldn't use my head properly. I couldn't even turn my head when my mum stood left from me, talking to me, so she really had to stand in front of me so I could hear/understand her.

She also had to change the bandage around my head (I would give her a medal for that if I could, I already freak out when I see blood of other people, get injections or whatever thing),

but the bandage around my head started to feel tight and it hurt, I kept touching it to pull it a little off the wound, to let it breath.

It turned out the bandage was too tight and pressed on my wound, which made it hurt, made it swell up badly, she called the hospital for that. We decided to just let the wound breath without bandage, luckily the swelling decreased.

Can you see the swelling?

My ear also felt like it turned into a huge balloon. It felt so numb and I kept touching it to feel if it wasn't swollen up, but it wasn't.

Photo's were made March 14th, 2 days after the operation.

These photos below here are made March 15th, one day after we decided to just let the wound breath without bandages.

Less swollen huh? Good choice we made, I felt so relieved.

~

March 17th was the first day I really felt good and wanted to walk outside for shortly with my mum. I started to finally feel happy again and slowly started to feel like the old me again.

Here I wanted to show that my left ear now more stands out than my right ear, you can't see it good on photos xD but I know it does.

~

One week after the operation.

March 20th, Friday.

We had to go back to the hospital in rotterdam, to get the stitches removed and the plug in my ear.

I was really happy because I felt so damn tired of the plug in my ear, it itched all the time and I had enough of it.

The doctor removed the stitches and told me everything looked fine. He was about to send us out of the room but I was so surprised, I asked him about the plug in my ear.

Shouldn't that be removed too? But then, he told me there wasn't even a plug inside my ear.

I couldn't believe him when he said that, my mood was completely ruined and I kinda emotionally collapsed.

Because I heard so less the week after my operation, I thought there was a plug in my ear, also because my ear inside itched a lot, I thought it was because of that.  Why we thought this (my mum and I), because I heard less. We thought the plug was blocking a lot of the sound coming into my ear, so.... Not.

The realization came to me, that because I hear so less now, because the small amount of high tones I still had left before the CI implant, were completely gone now after the operation, even if it was just those 4%, those 4% I still had left, made a lot of difference now I am completely 100% deaf on high tones of my left ear. That those 4% can make a huge difference when they fall out too, touched me emotionally, it really hit me. I couldn't stop crying in the car.

I now accepted it,

I just can't wait till I get connected to the CI processor on May 1th, hope these will do the work of the high tones for me, for my left ear.

Till now when I wear my hearing aids, I hear double when someone stands on my left side, speaking to me right into my left ear. No idea how that comes.

I still get bothered by tinnitus, but not as worse in the beginning. It's still there, but I hear it very lightly, on the background.

As I look back at all the pictures, I get emotional. I also get emotional writing this story as it still touches me, it's still fresh to me and if I could choose to do it over, I won't. 

I'm glad the operation is now far behind me, my ear is still being sensitive, as I accidentally touch it during brushing my hair, it isn't a nice feeling, even when I shower and water comes on it, it isn't a nice feeling either. I also still can't wear hairbands as they press on my wound, which hurts.

few photos of March 27th.

Video I made (sorry had to cut it in parts, it was too long.)

~

<3

I want to thank everyone for supporting me, for having interest in this journey which is a big life changing decision, I want to thank everyone for showing concern towards me.

I want to thank my friends from facebook, my close cosplay friends, my bff & my family.

I want to thank my mum for being patient with me, being the biggest support ever, words can't describe how much she meant to me after the operation and how much she still means to me right now. I wanna thank her for keep on supporting me and even with my future plans. I know she will keep on believing in me. You're the best mom in the whole world.

I want to thank my auntie & uncle for being a big support too, also want to thank them for bringing us home the day after the operation and bringing us & picking us back up again the day the stitches got removed. I wanna thank my auntie for calling us constantly to ask us how I'm doing haha.

I want to thank my brother Anthony for being a big support the day the operation took place, comforting me and calming me. I wanna thank Wesley for being there for me also, sweet that you guys took free from work only for me. And thank you for buying the sweet, cute sheep plushie (I heard of my mum that you guys even had a fight over what to buy as a present for me XDD god.... lol!)

Also wanna thank my auntie Saskia for her sincere concern & interest when it comes to this :). Thank you very much, I really appreciate this.

A recent picture I took today of my scar;

My hair is slowly starting to grow again and my scar is starting to fade away slowly again. You can obviously see the scars of the stitches too (round dots around my large scar). I honestly don't mind about my scar.

How am I doing right now?

Well, besides of being emotional because I had to write this all, I feel happy. 

I have made future plans, I plan on moving towards Tilburg too next year (my brother lives there with his fiancé), I plan on starting to follow a study fashion employee, sewing clothes & such. I have plans for taking a dog, a labrador. I have plans for taking a tattoo on the left side of my shoulderblade, a cherry blossom in full bloom, standing for me, never will being overblown :), three butterflies, purple standing for my mom, blue for my brother & pink for myself!

I'm planning to take a side cut (left side) after my I'll get connected to the CI and maybe dye my hair pink strands <3.

Inspiration;

Yes, I'm doing fine. Of course I sometimes have up & downs, but at the moment experiencing more ''ups''. I'm slowly losing more and more weight, coming close to my goal and try to stay positive all the time :).

Thanks for reading,

I love you all! <3

xxx

Yuu San aka Esmee.

BLOOPERS!!!! xD *Ashamed*

I was trying to start doing saying the words but I had a *being stuck* moment .........

Yes I know I need braces lol, I'll get them after I'll get my CI processor connected XDD.