C.I. Journey Erasmus Hospital Rotterdam, the operation, the recovery & future plans!

((Warning, this is a pretty pretty preeeetty long blogpost!!!))

Hii everyone!



Long time no see!


I reaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaally last time, didn't feel like writing a new blogpost about my C.I. journey, about how the operation went. I just simply didn't feel like it, still don't but I can not longer delay it and I guess a lot of people are curious to how everything went.


At the moment, I'm doing fine! I recovered fully and except that I hear less with my left ear now, I feel great and I'm looking forwards to the future plans I made :). I unfortunately am not possible to work at the moment until I get connected to the C.I. processor but then again, I am not able to work because I have to learn to hear/speak/understand again as the C.I. will hopefully do the job of the high tones which I don't hear. As I'll only get one C.I., the C.I. will do the work only for my left ear and further I will keep wearing my hearing aid when it comes to my right ear. My right ear will be still the same, 96% deaf on the high tones, my left ear was the same before the C.I. Implant but hopefully I'll hear better later with my left ear,

a wholeee explanation, I know, but some people still don't get it.


So,


I'll start writing about how the operation went from the beginning.



First,


A video I made the day before me and my mom went to the hotel in Rotterdam. I was unable to upload it here through my phone.

As you can hear, I can't pronounce most english words very well, this is very difficult for me, so please don't laugh at me because of that, I just simply cannot do a thing about it. I had lessons in english speaking because of my hearing disability and this is mostly my reason why I never like speaking english. When I have the words in my head which I want to say, I speak english perfectly, but when I have to speak english forced to someone, or answer them back, english speaking is my weakest point.

Sorry, had to cut the video in two, blogger doesn't allow more than 100mb :(.

~

Me and mum on the evening before the operation, watching tv in our hotelroom.

My operation was planned on 12th of  March, on a Thursday, but me and my mom came earlier to Rotterdam and booked a hotelroom for the night as that was less stressful for us because else we had to stand up early in the morning, take the train and that would be more stressful. So, the next day we woke up, we waited for my brother and his fiancé wesley, to come pick us up and go to the hospital together. When we came there, and we got lead towards my room, it came till my realization that I really was about to be operated on, a hour later.

I started crying when I saw the white room, my bed and I couldn't stop crying even when the nurse came in the room. Luckily my brother was there to comfort me, even though he made silly jokes (not funny lol.) I got bothered again by my stress stains I always get when I really have to cry, get really angry or nervous, caused by my blood pressure to suddenly shoot upwards, letting those red incredible stains in my neck, face & chest showing. Wish I could put a properphoto of it here, but I removed them, hopefully these pics will do

Here you can see a few of my stress stains, alcohol strengthens the effect by the way too. I have it when I eat sometimes, drink, talk to strangers, being emotional, angry or very nervous. In this moment, singing along made me nervous and the stress stains popped up. Those stains can be a loooooot worse!

Because I have a thick layer of foundation on and CC cream, you don't see it that good on my face, but it's bullshit to smear a ton of foundation on my chest/neck too because of those stains. 

Anyway, this is not what I wanted to write about.

I was covered in those red stains all over my face/neck/chest and even my eyes were so red from crying, I felt so ashamed the nurse had to see me like that, covered with those weird red stains.

Luckily it went away after a while.

nurse, my brother & his fiancé

hospital bracelet

me and my mum, I WASN'T ALLOWED TO WEAR MAKE-UP DAMNIT Dx. 

Can you read the uneasiness on my face? yep...

Me and my brother, no we're not twins, he's 3 years older than me haha.

And wesley.

I started taking these photo's when I got calming medication lol, felt like hanging out the joker in the room.

~

1 pm,

It was time to get the hospital dress on because they planned on bringing me to the operation room 1 pm. They gave me calming medication which would make me more sleepy, but I only started to feel funny and see double, it kept me awake lol.

So, we went to the room where I had to wait first with my mom before going into the operation room. Luckily my mom was allowed to go with me, I was kinda nervous and afraid.

About...... like 40 mins later, they finally took me to the operation room. It was cold in there and that was the first thing I said when I came there lol. They told me what they were gonna do and my mother stayed with me until I was asleep. of course I had to cry again xD until I felt asleep.

~

I can't remember anymore but I believe it was 5 pm when I woke up. I can't remember they woke me up in the resting room and brought me back to my room. I can only remember that when I woke up in my room, that I saw my mum, brother, his fiancé and my auntie Shita. I felt quite dull of the medication but still was able to talk a bit with them and make pictures before I (can't remember?) fell back asleep.

mum, auntie and wesley.

Mum, auntie and my brother

in the evening, I went to read a little in the Ageha gyaru magazine Lenie my bff bought for me the time she was in Japan. But I couldn't read it for long because I started to feel very sick and had to throw up.

I wasn't able to eat the first day, I felt so dull, so sick and when I stared at my custard, it disgusted me, looking at it already made me almost throw up.

Everyone went home, except my auntie, she stayed over by someone else in Rotterdam to come pick me and my mum up the next day together with her husband, uncle Ludwig <3.

My mum went home around 9 pm. I had to go to the bathroom after that so I told the nurse (other nurse, damn he was hot, around my age & asian, a huge + ! <'3). He wanted to help me go out of the bed, but the first thing I did, grabbing the spittoon & throw up XDD. He immediately went out of the room & went to get the other nurse (lol i told my mum this later, it was so funny XD. I think the poor guy still wasn't used to throwing up people in the hospital hahaha). I couldn't do a thing about it ;=;. 

Later in the bathroom, I threw up blood, this was such a scary thing, I never threw up blood before. but later I heard that your stomach cannot endure blood in the stomach and that causes you to throw up, my throat was damaged because of the breathing tube in my throat, that's why.

I wasn't in a lot of pain, but I felt alot of pressure on my head and I got bothered by tinnitus which was never that worse as after the C.I. operation. 

~

Next day,

I threw up again in the morning when I ate some custard, I felt so sick, so miserable, some nurse gave me bouillion with bread and luckily I didn't had to throw up anymore. 

The weird part is,

after such a heavy operation,

they send you home the day after. You don't have to throw up anymore? Good, you can go home!

I felt so worse, I couldn't do the things I normally did, my mom had to push me in a wheelchair towards the entrance of the hospital. When my auntie arrived with my uncle at the parking spot, I started feeling very sick again and I told my mum I really had to go to the bathroom.

When we got there, I don't know but I started to feel so very warm and miserable, I threw up blood again and not so little. My mum and I became afraid when I got a bloody nose, I never in my life had a bloody nose, yes, maybe once when I was a kid. When I felt a little better, she brought me to the car and started calling to the department, but we could just leave.

The days after that, I luckily didn't had to throw up anymore.

~

~

At home, I felt miserable for the first three days, my mum had to help me to go to the bathroom, I was being bored a lot because I couldn't do a lot and I couldn't use my head properly. I couldn't even turn my head when my mum stood left from me, talking to me, so she really had to stand in front of me so I could hear/understand her.

She also had to change the bandage around my head (I would give her a medal for that if I could, I already freak out when I see blood of other people, get injections or whatever thing),

but the bandage around my head started to feel tight and it hurt, I kept touching it to pull it a little off the wound, to let it breath.

It turned out the bandage was too tight and pressed on my wound, which made it hurt, made it swell up badly, she called the hospital for that. We decided to just let the wound breath without bandage, luckily the swelling decreased.

Can you see the swelling?

My ear also felt like it turned into a huge balloon. It felt so numb and I kept touching it to feel if it wasn't swollen up, but it wasn't.

Photo's were made March 14th, 2 days after the operation.

These photos below here are made March 15th, one day after we decided to just let the wound breath without bandages.

Less swollen huh? Good choice we made, I felt so relieved.

~

March 17th was the first day I really felt good and wanted to walk outside for shortly with my mum. I started to finally feel happy again and slowly started to feel like the old me again.

Here I wanted to show that my left ear now more stands out than my right ear, you can't see it good on photos xD but I know it does.

~

One week after the operation.

March 20th, Friday.

We had to go back to the hospital in rotterdam, to get the stitches removed and the plug in my ear.

I was really happy because I felt so damn tired of the plug in my ear, it itched all the time and I had enough of it.

The doctor removed the stitches and told me everything looked fine. He was about to send us out of the room but I was so surprised, I asked him about the plug in my ear.

Shouldn't that be removed too? But then, he told me there wasn't even a plug inside my ear.

I couldn't believe him when he said that, my mood was completely ruined and I kinda emotionally collapsed.

Because I heard so less the week after my operation, I thought there was a plug in my ear, also because my ear inside itched a lot, I thought it was because of that.  Why we thought this (my mum and I), because I heard less. We thought the plug was blocking a lot of the sound coming into my ear, so.... Not.

The realization came to me, that because I hear so less now, because the small amount of high tones I still had left before the CI implant, were completely gone now after the operation, even if it was just those 4%, those 4% I still had left, made a lot of difference now I am completely 100% deaf on high tones of my left ear. That those 4% can make a huge difference when they fall out too, touched me emotionally, it really hit me. I couldn't stop crying in the car.

I now accepted it,

I just can't wait till I get connected to the CI processor on May 1th, hope these will do the work of the high tones for me, for my left ear.

Till now when I wear my hearing aids, I hear double when someone stands on my left side, speaking to me right into my left ear. No idea how that comes.

I still get bothered by tinnitus, but not as worse in the beginning. It's still there, but I hear it very lightly, on the background.

As I look back at all the pictures, I get emotional. I also get emotional writing this story as it still touches me, it's still fresh to me and if I could choose to do it over, I won't. 

I'm glad the operation is now far behind me, my ear is still being sensitive, as I accidentally touch it during brushing my hair, it isn't a nice feeling, even when I shower and water comes on it, it isn't a nice feeling either. I also still can't wear hairbands as they press on my wound, which hurts.

few photos of March 27th.

Video I made (sorry had to cut it in parts, it was too long.)

~

<3

I want to thank everyone for supporting me, for having interest in this journey which is a big life changing decision, I want to thank everyone for showing concern towards me.

I want to thank my friends from facebook, my close cosplay friends, my bff & my family.

I want to thank my mum for being patient with me, being the biggest support ever, words can't describe how much she meant to me after the operation and how much she still means to me right now. I wanna thank her for keep on supporting me and even with my future plans. I know she will keep on believing in me. You're the best mom in the whole world.

I want to thank my auntie & uncle for being a big support too, also want to thank them for bringing us home the day after the operation and bringing us & picking us back up again the day the stitches got removed. I wanna thank my auntie for calling us constantly to ask us how I'm doing haha.

I want to thank my brother Anthony for being a big support the day the operation took place, comforting me and calming me. I wanna thank Wesley for being there for me also, sweet that you guys took free from work only for me. And thank you for buying the sweet, cute sheep plushie (I heard of my mum that you guys even had a fight over what to buy as a present for me XDD god.... lol!)

Also wanna thank my auntie Saskia for her sincere concern & interest when it comes to this :). Thank you very much, I really appreciate this.

A recent picture I took today of my scar;

My hair is slowly starting to grow again and my scar is starting to fade away slowly again. You can obviously see the scars of the stitches too (round dots around my large scar). I honestly don't mind about my scar.

How am I doing right now?

Well, besides of being emotional because I had to write this all, I feel happy. 

I have made future plans, I plan on moving towards Tilburg too next year (my brother lives there with his fiancé), I plan on starting to follow a study fashion employee, sewing clothes & such. I have plans for taking a dog, a labrador. I have plans for taking a tattoo on the left side of my shoulderblade, a cherry blossom in full bloom, standing for me, never will being overblown :), three butterflies, purple standing for my mom, blue for my brother & pink for myself!

I'm planning to take a side cut (left side) after my I'll get connected to the CI and maybe dye my hair pink strands <3.

Inspiration;

Yes, I'm doing fine. Of course I sometimes have up & downs, but at the moment experiencing more ''ups''. I'm slowly losing more and more weight, coming close to my goal and try to stay positive all the time :).

Thanks for reading,

I love you all! <3

xxx

Yuu San aka Esmee.

BLOOPERS!!!! xD *Ashamed*

I was trying to start doing saying the words but I had a *being stuck* moment .........

Yes I know I need braces lol, I'll get them after I'll get my CI processor connected XDD.